Saturday April 1st

Yesterday was a hard day because of a hard fall ! But besides a lot more pain -- nothing broken! The nurse will be here soon to catheterize and that will be welcome for sweet mom. Morphine is helping but still have to use additional pain meds with it.
Uncle Ed left this morning and his visit was a God send! Got some needed work done and some "self" time. And mom just soaked it up! She loves all her children SO much and excited to come up north to see whoever can come.
She seems to be seeing more and more of loved ones from the other side and I especially can feel lifted up by our guardian angels!
Can't get up any more! Just to much work !
Prayers from all so appreciated !
Love you all so much and will post when we get up north .

I have been wanting to keep a diary about Grandmas progression toward graduation for some time now but it has literally seemed too much work with all that’s been going on!

But I want all of you to benefit from the feelings, from the tender mercies, from the trial that seems to be a part of grandmas end of life experience and I believe will be  much the same for many of us if we live to be a ripe old age!

For those who may be reading this and do not know of this special woman I would introduce our wonderful grandma, mom, sister, aunt and friend to so many. At the time of this writing she is just about to turn 88 years olf. She has lived a wonderful full life,  has been an example to so many and served so many.

Mom was born with a beautiful musical gift and could play the piano with abandon as a young girl! She played for USO shows as a teenage girl and was admired by all for her talent. As her talent matured she became just as proficient at the organ and provided hours and hours of spiritual uplift to many many  people. She provided hours of spiritual uplifting music at church and at funerals for many she knew well and those she wished she had!

She built a beautiful life with our wonderful father. Together they had 6 children, built a very successful business, traveled and loved their family very  much.

At the time of this writing, Daddy has been gone now for 5 years. He was 89 years old and died pretty suddenly of a brain anuerysym.

Just  months later mom had a stroke that combined with numerous other health challenges including Diabetes, pulmonary hypertension and Congestive Heart Failure.

It has now been 4 years since the stroke and Mom has been on Hospice for 3 weeks now.

It has been a very hard 3 weeks. In fact even as I write it—it seems more like 3 months!

She is also progressing quite rapidly with vascular dementia.

At this point in time each day brings new surprises in her progress.  I know that to some the word progress may  seem to  fit some different kind of ending but to me and hopefully our family it is the beginning of a wonderful journey home to spend eternity with those we love. We know that Daddy is already there awaiting moms arrival and we are so excited for that for them both.

I  have had the most to learn from this journey. Mostly about myself! I have always thought that I could live up to the task of “honoring” my father and my mother the way my Heavenly Father would have me do it but I have so far to go to embrace the full meaning  of all of those important Christlike qualities.

It is so hard  to take care of someone you have loved so much all of your life who is not able to communicate or take care of sometimes the simplest of needs for themselves. And its not that I don’t love doing it for her either. It’s a test of patience and remembering that they would not be in this position if they had the option. Its remembering that this life is all about trials and finding the joy in between and around the trial.  And I have had to repent on more than one occasion for a lack of patience! Sometimes they do the craziest little things and you have to “count to 10” just as you do for your children when they are little!

I dont know what I would do without my adorable little sisters help. Sweet sister Julie had a special “tender mercy” that has helped us both during this process. As she was praying for mom one day she got the overwhelming message that our Mom helped us come in to the world—and it wasn’t easy—and now we have to help her go out—go back home! That has helped me numerous times as I have remembered that sweet message.

Grandma has struggled almost every day with the fact that she knows that she is going to be “graduating” soon and on any given day she can be very  content with that fact or very afraid of that fact. I think that is 100% normal! In fact that is the same way I feel. I am excited for mom to be with dad again and I am afraid for what we have to go through to get her there!

Up to this point—each day has been a new struggle and I must say very much a roller coaster ride!

One day she is doing so much better and the next she is on the decline. That in itself has been very hard for her mentally. One day she is resigned to “getting this done” and the next she wants to buy a house and car and get back to living!

One thing that I can say is that we haven’t questioned the doctors recommendation and the wisdom in taking her off of all her “life support” in the way of medications. She has done so much better in many ways and even though the dementia was well on its way before—she has had some better days of “clarity” off of all those meds.

She has had an overall better feeling of well being and her body in many ways has done so much better than it did with all those meds.

We know at this point that whatever happens is normal and natural and we just want to take care of her and keep her pain free for however long she has.

At this writing mom is having a very hard time walking. This has been a slow process with some days being easier than others.  But she pretty much has to have someone with her at all times and if she tries to walk alone she almost always falls. Which she has done on several occasions. Each time we worry about whether she has broken something but so far we have been blessed.

Sleeping has also been an up and down process. Lately it has been difficult for her to sleep because her breathing is so compromised with the Congestive Heart Failure. I have started to give her some anti anxiety medications to help her with that and yesterday the nurse suggested we start giving her small amounts of the morphine to help with her breathing and her pain.

Pain—some days it is just really hard for her—everything hurts—and some days are not so bad. Up until now we have been able to keep her pretty pain free with Tylenol and Ibuprofen but the Hospice nurse thinks its time we give her a little stronger help.

This process is not an easy one! A few nights ago as we talked together about how hard it can be for some to die, I was at a loss for words to explain to mom why it is so hard for some and so easy for others. As we said our prayers I was given the answer to tell her during that prayer that we  don’t and won’t know the reasons here on this earth but we will understand and even be thankful that we were given certain opportunities here that didn’t seem like opportunities at all at the time!

Now to some this may seem like just an easy rationalization to unfair trial but I know there is a loving God who does not leave us “alone” to deal with our trials.

In Proverbs it tells us: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

That is the hard part—to lean not to our understanding but to trust in something bigger than ourselves!

Mom will soon go back to her maker and be with Dad in the same place that we ALL will go when our turn on earth is done.   And I know that we will all be together again in that place prepared by our Father in Heaven but in the mean time—pray for mom that she will find comfort and love in abundance as she makes her journey home. As mom awoke this morning she said that Daddy had come to her in the night and told her to “hurry”. She partially laughed and cried and she said “Im Trying”!